Big ugly baby to be next Louisville mural [Humor]


Inspired by Louisville's "Possibility City" moniker, Larimore asked himself, "What if I found the next great Louisvillian before they achieved greatness?" An exhaustive search that spanned nearly a half-day and encompassed the two blocks surrounding his office, uncovered baby extraordinaire and future Louisville superstar Pat Fisticuffs, leading Larimore to proclaim, "He might be the most amazing baby every born."

The 22-month old Fern Creek resident has been considered by those closest to him to be the most intense baby on the planet. Red-cheeked and glazed in a thick layer of sweat, Fisticuff is known for his steely glare and banshee-like howl of discontent. Rumor has it he once gnawed clear through the wooden slats in his crib. Another time, he ate an entire box of Lincoln Logs, then seven hours later pooped out a diaper full of Legos.

According to Larimore, there is no denying the aura of invincibility and sheer willpower that surrounds the new face of Louisville.

"He encompasses so many of the traits that this city values - determination, self-confidence, and a quiet, yet seething rage that could explode at any moment. This kid is going to make a difference in the world. Or he might kill everyone he comes in contact with. Either way, he's going to put Louisville on the map."

Not everyone shares Larimore's enthusiasm. Amanda Corydon, owner of Happy Slappy's Daycare where Fisticuffs is enrolled, believes glorying the baby might be the biggest mistake the city ever makes.

"That sweaty little monster once stared at me for an entire day without blinking. I now have a stain on my soul." When asked if Fisticuffs had ever actually done anything wrong or inappropriate, Corydon acknowledged that he hadn't, but stated that since he began attending, the temperature at the daycare hasn't risen above 58 degrees and all of the staff have stopped menstruating.

Larimore contends there is little reason for concern. Citing the need for Louisville to expand its scope and look beyond the conventional definition of a local hero, he feels somewhat strongly that Fisticuffs is the right individual to represent the greatness of Louisville.

"It's a giant picture of an awesome looking baby. What have we got to lose?" Larimore was then heard muttering to no one in particular, "I'm really bad at my job."

The Fisticuffs mural is scheduled to be unveiled prior to the end of the year.  Although the location has not been confirmed, it was initially rumored to be mounted on the side of the Smyrna Inn, because for one, that place is awesome, and two, this baby looks like someone who will grow up to have a drinking problem. However, a recent investigation suggests multiple versions will be placed at all points in which a major highway enters Jefferson County, allowing that disturbing glare to watch over all of Louisville like the freaking unblinking Eye of Sauron.


Do you think there is a local hero who should be considered for a Louisville mural?  Post it in the comments section, because that will totally impress your girlfriend and/or mom.

Photo: Patrick Fawcett




About Patrick Fawcett
When I was a boy, I met Darth Vader at Raceland Mall. I also got to hug a Jawa. I have spent everyday since then chasing that high.
More articles from Patrick Fawcett