With Christmas season upon us, it seems like the right time to offer a quick tour of the area’s local shopping establishments. Whether you’re looking for the perfect gift for mom or just some crappy $10-or-less Secret Santa item for that jerkwad co-worker who always yells “There he is!” every time you walk into a room, this series of overviews offers a thoroughly half-ass and less than scientific evaluation of those places you’ll inevitably find yourself shuffling through angrily on December 24th.
The Green Tree Mall, Clarksville, IN
PROS: The crown jewel of Southern Indiana’s dynamic and unparalleled retail experience, Green Tree Mall has many different stores that sell many products that some people may or may not find useful and/or fun.
Upon entering the sprawling facility, one cannot help but be overwhelmed by a sense of security. For example, your chances of being eaten by a mountain lion are practically zero. Furthermore, Green Tree Mall has a strict “No Battle Ax” policy, which further reduces your chances of being beheaded or mangled like a feral cave dweller at the hands of some sort of Southern Indiana Conan the Barbarian-type warlord.
The building itself is designed like a giant X. This easy to navigate layout should greatly reduce your chances of getting hopelessly lost and forced to take permanent shelter beneath one of those kiosks that sell really fashionable and realistic looking hair extensions. (This actually happened to my uncle. And for the record, his hair looks fabulous, despite the fact it permanently smells like week-old Sbarro's pizza.)
As far as actual shopping, the Green Tree Mall has something for everyone. The majority of stores accept cash or credit cards, but surprisingly few will take doubloons or other forms of exotic currency. As the old saying goes, “Twenty-five cents and a beaver pelt will get you a twenty-five cents worth of hobbit meat.”
For the special lady in your life, the mall has many impressive stores with unpronounceable names that women seem to love, such as Aeropostale or Sears. There is also a Bath & Body Works for those of you whose wives suck at bathing. Christmas - the one day of the year you can buy your woman a bar of soap as a gift and not get punched in the face.
And if you’re just looking to pick up a quick gift for that person in your life who you totally feel obligated to spend money on, but who you don’t really like or care that much about, they have one of those totally kick-ass calendar kiosks. Because nothing says “I felt compelled to buy you something” like a calendar.
CONS: Like everything in Southern Indiana, the Green Tree Mall is a total pain to actually get to. Seriously, you would think Ezekiel Southern Indiana (or whoever the explorer was who discovered the territory) designed the entire region like one freaking obstacle course.
Located on Lewis & Clark Parkway, drivers are constantly challenged by what appears to be the world’s largest optical illusion, forever turning at stoplights that supposedly take you to the mall but just deposit you in a random parking lot that seems to have no exit. It’s like being stuck in one of those M.C. Escher pictures of hands drawing hands or some other craziness.
Once in the mall, you are instantly reminded of the “No Battle Ax” policy. So if you brought your Battle Ax, you’re totally out of luck.