They put bourbon in what?!?! [Kentucky Derby]

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My parents were in town for Thunder Over Louisville and received a gift basket at the Galt House, which is where they were staying. Among the included items: a stick of bourbon-flavored lip moisturizer. Now, I can't afford to purchase a bottle of Maker's Mark for each of the 10 out-of-towners crashing at my house this Derby. (Yes, people will be sleeping in the bathtub.) I can, however, swing the 20 bucks it would cost to get them all a tube of lip balm. (Pick up a stick for $1.95 at the Louisville Convention and Visitors Bureau, 401 W. Main St.)

I called the phone number listed on the tube and got a hold of a woman who, sadly, says the lip balm doesn't actually contain any alcohol. A chemist, she told me, matches the bourbon flavor. Regardless, I've seen those mint julep lines at Churchill Downs. In the infield, for instance, sometimes you have to wait until the second Saturday in May to get served. My suggestion? Tell your friends to apply the chapstick to their lips in between juleps. Although there's no alcohol, it should still quiet their cravings until they get their hands on some real bourbon.